Ubuntu and The Joy of Making Mistakes

My youngest son tearfully stepped into my room. “I failed at making origami,” he whimpered, visibly upset. In art class today, they were making paper cranes. The steps must have been too complicated for him, and he felt bad for not being able to keep up with his teacher’s instructions.
I asked him what teacher said, and he told me that teacher said their project will just be an assignment and that they had until next Friday to submit it.
I extended my arms to give him a hug, and asked softly “Would you rather say that you failed, or would you rather say that you learned something? Which one feels better for you?”
His face on my shoulder was turned away, but he paused for a bit and replied “I learned something.”
I didn’t respond except to hug him tighter. His breathing gently quieted down, and I just let the two of us soak in that moment.
To Flow or Not to Flow
In neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), we presuppose many things, but two of the really useful ones are that
(i) People are always doing the best they can; and
(ii) There is no failure, only feedback.
These are useful because if we pre-suppose them to be true, they allow us to be more compassionate, less judgmental, and more proactively looking for what works and what helps. And it helps us to shift how we would like to respond.
Too often, we berate people – our children, our spouses, our friends, our relatives, even ourselves – for making “mistakes”. But that keeps us stuck, focused on the error that was committed and dwelling in the past.
Whereas these situations powerfully beg the question “Okay, now what?”

To put and keep the spotlight on an error committed is often counterintuitive to growth. You can feel it: the tension, the tightening, the frustration or disappointment, the fear. Sometimes even the pain. That familiar deer-in-headlights kind of feeling.
Here’s the thing: Life doesn’t stop moving forward just because a mistake was committed — and mistakes happen all the time. To commit to continuing life, it is more useful to focus on the lesson that could be gleaned from the experience.
There really is no mistake: only feedback (another NLP presupposition).
Some gaffes or oversights may have far-reaching consequences. That is true. Yet, the question always is: what can be learned? There is always a lesson that we can learn – maybe for ourselves, maybe for the people around us, maybe for all. To put our attention to that is always of better service to our growth.
I am because we are

I read an article once about the South African practice of ubuntu, a lovely word meaning I am because we are.

The article: In certain regions of South Africa, when someone does something wrong, he is taken to the center of the village and surrounded by his tribe for two days while they speak of all the good he has done. They believe each person is good, yet sometimes we make mistakes, which is really a cry for help. They unite in this ritual to encourage the person to reconnect with his true nature. The belief is that unity and affirmation have more power to change behavior than shame and punishment. This is known as ubuntu – humanity toward others.

Compassion, understanding, acceptance – for others, for ourselves. Let us learn to appreciate all experience, and all learning that allows us to grow.